yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
