Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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