Your face is a jimmy john
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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