I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
