I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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