Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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