Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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