so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
