when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
