just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
