im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
