You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
