fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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