it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
