trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize