I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
