my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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