i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I puked a lego.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
