toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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