You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
