I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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