It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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