Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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