the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
