12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
