...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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