After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
