My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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