Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
