I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
