If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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