I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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