I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
