community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
