I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
