My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
