im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
