i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
