I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
