Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
