mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
