Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
