I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
