She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
