I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
