i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
