Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
