its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
That was before I lit my hair on fire
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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