i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
