The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
