I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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