My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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