guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
