Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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