i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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