So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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