I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
