I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
