i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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