we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
